Carry and keep it with you.

It's a night of deep thought and random, but entwining strands of reflection. Sorry.

Both of my brothers lead these insanely tough lives through these careers that only the strongest can endure.  I admire their strength in this just as much as I fear it.  I can't think about the horrible things they see or the gulps of evil they swallow, instead I think of them as our angels. They are protecting every one of us from carrying the things they choose to carry so that we don't have to. I love them to pieces and wish I could lessen their burdens when they get too heavy, but they are always shielding, always protecting, it's their nature.

In these burdens I am thankful that my sister-in-law and my brother were blessed to be allowed time together before he left his training post for Afghanistan.  She hopped on a plane to travel across the country to be with her man for any time that she could. I can only imagine how she felt leaving him again and I sent them both this quote by Marcel Proust, "Love is space and time measured by the heart" so that they can only grow stronger. On an ordinary day this is really cheesy, but sometimes you need that sort of thing...and I think this is one of those times.

Then, "You can't be like that when you talk to him. You have to be strong. He needs all the strength that we can push through to him."

That's what I told my sister when we skyped tonight.  We were waiting our turns to see our brother's handsome face for another chat... until we can see him again on a computer screen or not. We have no idea how long that will be. I did not want this to be a somber chat.

But, the snorts fell through as the sobs escaped.  How quickly my words of strength were contradicted by a reaction that I couldn't keep from her. 

It's a funny thing, wanting to hide the emotion behind stoicism. Why do I equate tears with weakness? I don't always, but I do for this. I don't need him to leave with a picture of his sister sobbing imprinted in his head. He needs to believe and feel our courage, love, loyalty and strength for all that he is about to endure.

I pray to breathe and funnel every ounce of whatever I'm made of into his heart and soul. I pray that things really are better where he is going, that he will be safe and protected. That he knows how proud of him we really are.  Somewhere in my heart, or head, I know that he chose this and in some crazy way this is an opportunity for him. He is smart, well-trained and ready to see what is out there.  He is ready.  And, what he is doing is more than most of us could ever imagine doing for another human being in our lifetime. I wrote a tribute to him awhile back that you should read here if you haven't.

So when it was my turn to say goodbye tonight, I had few words to share with him except to say "I love you" one more time and leave him with a smile.