Maybe these things are only funny to me, but I get so much laughter out of the what I am about to tell you, that I think it's time to over-share and let you in on the daily "holy-crap-that-shiz-is-funny" stuff.
Using a breast pump is hilarious, I really don't care who you are. Suctioning funnels to your boobs is the most insane and amazing invention ever. Milk the freakin' cow baby. It took awhile for me to get comfortable with the breast pump, and I praise the Lord that I get to plug this thing in rather than slowly extract the milk-river manually like some of our mothers did. BY FAR my favorite tip shared with me has come from my sister -- to cut holes in my old sports bras so that the task is hands-free (you do not need the $45 bra.) Now I can scroll Facebook and Instagram, write this blog post, read my book on getting a baby to sleep through the night (which is a whole 'nother list by the way), flip pancakes, whatever I want, you get the picture, inappropriately of course. It is marvelous. Even the sound the pump makes is hilarious. There is no secrecy and you know exactly what I am doing if you call me during a pump session. Also, I take so much pride in my milk collection that you can bet it makes me extremely happy to add up the saved ounces daily.
When you are trying to put the baby down for the night, and it's been over an hour, and you put him over your shoulder after nursing him, and he spits up in your hair (that you haven't been able to wash since Monday and it's Thursday), and is then wide awake all over again, and you go downstairs to get your husband to take a turn but you see he has had three beers and is chatting away on the phone, a little blip of rage courses through your exhausted body. This rage is natural.
OK, so said husband also did two loads of laundry, washed the dinner dishes AND was scheduling the pick-up of a hot tub so maybe he isn't so bad and I can still give him a kiss goodnight, nix the silent treatment and apologize for the temper tantrum.
You will begin to hear little chants slurring out of your breast pump, mine says, "Mack-lin, Mack-lin, Mack-lin..." and I swear the chant makes me push more milk out. Sometimes I try to get it to say other things but it always goes back to "Mack-lin, Mack-lin, Mack-lin." Try listening to it some time.
Buy one of those roller eye de-puffer things. I have the Garnier anti-puff eye roller and even though it doesn't crack the mountain of my eye puff, it sure feels damn good rolling that cold silver ball around your red-rimmed eye balls.
You will do many many dumb things. Several times I have thawed milk and made up Mack's bottles and then put them in the pantry instead of the fridge. Oops. I also lose my train of thought every 10 seconds and consistently forget where I put my car keys or the binky. Actually, I open a pack of pacifiers every other week because I can't find them in the diaper bag pockets where I was sure I put them. I did however, find one in the bathroom medicine cabinet, that was a good 5am chuckle. And, actually, my list of dumb things I've done could go on forever and should probably be it's own post.
But so should all my notes on the breast pump.
Every move you make begins with a baby feeding, this becomes the top priority and the timer starts soon as he finishes. From there you hear the clock tick its seconds as you race through Costco (no more two-hour strolls and taste-testings on Saturday). You have a short window unless you want to try out that leather recliner that you've been trying to convince your husband to buy.
Invest in flashy scarves and other awesome accessories because when you put your hair in a ponytail, wear cardigans and stretchy pants every day, they make you look and feel a whole lot more fancy schmancy.
Sorry, but I'm back to the breast pump. Buying the car adapter or putting batteries in it will be the best idea ever at the best times. On my first socializing evening without Mack, I sat in the back of the car and pumped for relief. Pump and dump took on a whole new meaning once the milk-river was left flowing down the side of the road in downtown Columbus.
When you have a baby boy be very careful when changing his diaper. He will pee on himself, you, the wall or the couch, especially when you've just changed his clothes. Hand him to his father and pretend it didn't happen. Give it a minute and then take the baby back and pretend you just noticed he was wet. Dad should offer to change him since you just had a turn. Hey, its worth a try.
I know my baby loves me now but in the beginning I wasn't so sure. I even made up a song (one of the many that you will make up) and it goes, "Mommy loves Macklin. Daddy loves Macklin. Macklin loves his Wubby (aka binky). And this song made us laugh through some of his frantic crying through his over-tiredness. The key was being tone-deaf and pitchy.
I could go on and on.
Becoming a parent is as funny as it is scary and wonderful. Every day we say "welcome to our new world" and chuckle. It is so hard to get out of bed in the morning but you jump up, walk into the nursery and sing "good morning." You begin to do anything to get giggles and smiles, and when you do, your world feels like it's the best its ever been.
March 12, 2014
As I sit here watching my baby nap...tortured that I had to put him down on my last day home with him...I just want to tell all my mommy friends how sorry I am if I wasn't there for you when you went through this because I feel heartbroken and panicked.
The onset of tears starts anytime, anywhere. It catches in my throat first and I try to swallow it down but I stare at his little face and have never felt so much love and astonishment in my entire life. You truly can't know how it feels until you feel it. It is magic.
While I may be ready to get back to do something that I am sure of, I am not ready to not spend the day encouraging and soothing Macklin. I barely put him down this week, and he seems to sense my angst because he is letting me snuggle him for hours and nothing else matters.
I believe that up until the day that I gave birth I worried too much about not giving enough to my family and friends. I never want anyone to feel like they aren't important enough to me. But, now it's about my sweet little family. I can't worry about a party I am missing, or a dinner date long overdue. Well, I will still worry, but those times will come again and this time will not. I am struggling with that balance right now because I don't think there can be balance yet. I have a baby boy who looks to me for every part of his existence and I need to show him that he can always trust his mommy and daddy.
I will get through this going back to work thing just like every other working mother. But I just want to tell you all that the courage, strength, love and devotion does not go unrecognized.
For today I will hold him, nuzzle his tiny nose, go for a walk in the sunshine, give him billions of kisses and tell him how handsome and wonderful he is. And, I will just have to double and triple all of these things when I get home from work tomorrow.