April 11, 2014

Pressure cooker & Baby Mack has lots to say.

Remember when I said that I may be ready to go back to something that I am sure of?

Yeah, well it seems that hasn't worked out so far.

You work your ass off through sleep deprivation and trying to stay afloat in your new identities, but it seems like nothing is getting your all. When I let someone down, I agonize over it for days. It's my nature. And lately, my 110% is divided amongst too many things so that every one, and every thing, gets the shaft. It's a crappy feeling.

The pressure is on to succeed...at everything...is that super-mom syndrome? Whatever it is, I hate making mistakes and feeling sub-par. While you know everyone understands that it's hard with a new baby and juggling roles, it's not an excuse and you don't want sympathy. To say so implies that I don't love the way Macklin's little body curls over my shoulder after another middle-of-the-night feeding. Or, the way his plump little cheeks feel against my face when I smother him in kisses. Or a million other things that make me want to make sure he gets my 110%.

I'll figure out the juggling act eventually. I will just have to ride out the lows until then and keep trying.

I'll just watch this insanely adorable video a few hundred more times. You should too.

April 4, 2014

Bringing it back.

Summer Tourney Champs & last game at 19 weeks pregnant
  • 14 weeks after a cesarean birth 
  • 5 Jillian Michaels workouts
  • 3 volleyball games
  •  6 (maybe) total hours of sleep each night
That is all the preparation I accomplished before getting back on the football field last Saturday. 

The morning began with a puking baby (it can really happen), a race around the house to find my cleats, my receiver gloves and clothes that fit...and then not getting to pump my boobs dry before heading to the field. 

At the time I didn't know Macklin really had a nasty flu bug, so I turned up the stereo bumps on the way to the game and got excited. It felt good (as long as I could ignore the little voice in the back of my head worrying about my mobility, skill-set revival and 15 lbs. of extra boobage.)

I stretched and played catch distractedly as I chatted with all my friends about my new life and what I've missed with theirs. Man, I really missed them. This felt right. I sure as shit could do it all and I was a freaking rockstar.

And then we took the field.

My legs were like lead. Every "fast" movement yanked at the bowling balls I was carrying and everyone kept saying, "let Janell stay in!" I seriously don't want to know what I looked like awkwardly running around out there. Actually, I don't think "running" is the right word but "heavily stomping" might be more accurate. I remember thinking that it was smart to only play one team until Mack is bigger.

But, then I had an interception and everyone goes crazy. Even though I didn't make it too far running down the field, it felt pretty damn sweet. I'm hopeful for the mojo to seep back into my blood, it's like riding a bike.

Last season pre-Mack and one of my favorite pics.

Last season pre-Mack.