Macklin #babymack

When you spend 40 weeks planning, surviving, loving and daydreaming about your child, you know what you are asking for and have an idea about what to expect. However, no amount of any of these things can really prepare you for how bad it can feel at times.

When you have only slept for an hour and can't figure out how to calm your crying baby, or get them to eat, or hardly get past your pain after a major surgery, are questioning your ability and adequacy to do this...

But, then you stare into his eyes and at his little lips, and kiss his tiny little fingers, and hear and feel him calming against your heartbeat, you know that you can figure it out together...and nothing could feel better.

Macklin William O'Loughlin
12/19/13 @ 07:59

I thank God for my mother and amazing husband for helping me through. As Macklin and I struggled through his feedings and my pain, my mom sat beside me wiping my tears and softly giving encouragement and advice. Ryan knelt in front of us to help keep Mack and I both calm and able to keep trying.

Through those tears I felt so much love, humility, adoration, and a million other emotions that I could never explain.

And then, just when I thought that I would never be able to sleep in bed again or get off the couch, I was pumping breast milk and flipping pancakes at the same time. Hellz yes you read that correctly, I became a true multi-tasking mother and my abilities are growing every day. True pride and accomplishment.

That was the first two weeks, and here we are, Macklin's one-month birthday and I can't believe how much we have learned about one another. His snuggles are the best and nothing feels better than kissing the top of his head and smelling his baby scent as he sleeps on my chest. The up and down of his little body as he breathes and the little squeaks that escape his resting lips will forever melt my heart.

Now, if he would just begin to like having his diaper changed or give us a steady four hours of sleep at night...

Miracle week.

We've made it so very far and I can't believe we are here. I'm not sure which event could top the other more -- my baby brother coming home today from Afghanistan, or that I'm having a baby this week.

Since my baby boy meets the world on Thursday, I will say that for today my brother coming home will come first. For all the faces that have cried and loved him from over the past 11 months, that he has come home safe and sound cannot be beaten.

And, last week I met my new beautiful niece Hailey. My family is abundantly growing and it couldn't be more beautiful to see and be a part of. I'm feeling so incredibly blessed and loved. Christmas really is an amazing time of year.

For all of my family and best friends that have endured so much heartache this year, God really does give back what he takes in one way or another.

But, try getting two words out of me without the tears these days. The lump in my throat is a powerball of happiness and there isn't much time to breathe through the whipping whirlwind. I guess that's good because I get little time to think about being scared shitless.

Always bumpin'.

I'm really worried about having to remove the subwoofer from the trunk of my car in order to fit strollers, pack 'n plays and diaper bags.

Ever since I read that the baby could hear my voice, my singing, or any music that I play, I've been making sure he can sing along to every Carrie, Jason, Luke, James Morrison, Nelly and old school rap song (I've toned down Three 6 Mafia & Twista) on my iPod.

Honestly, I would rather slap a hitch on the back of my G6 and pull a little storage caddy than get rid of my bumps.

So, what are we doing before the baby arrives in 2 weeks?

Of course - shopping for a more family-friendly SUV with a superb sound system, chrome wheels and sunroof. I love my husband.

Here's a pic of the little man that we can't wait to meet:

Fulfilling sigh.

I keep waiting for a day to come that I won't have a moment of panic that I am about to have a baby very soon.

I'm not sure if I ever have moments of clarity or calm, or sighs of relief knowing that I can do this. Though I sigh heavily, all the time, so that must be those moments, right?

Either that, or I just can't breathe with this little guy expertly expanding every centimeter of my body in places that make me waddle, grimace, cringe and limp.

Sighing helps.

Leaving work last week, I stepped into the elevator and joined another woman. I took a place off to the side and leaned against the wall.

And sighed. 

The woman said to me, "Are you very uncomfortable? How long do you have?"

I laughed and replied, "I'm so sorry, did I sigh? I really have a problem with that. I'm doing pretty well, it's the countdown, thank you."

She said, "Well you can sigh all you want my dear and best wishes to you."

And when she walked away tears sprung to my eyes (of course) but I couldn't stop smiling and laughing about it. That is not the first time my sighing has been noticed, but it was nice to hear the fondness in her voice.

I'm not going to lie, I've had moments of breakdown bawling and hyperventilating...which at least end in laughter at some point because it really is hilarious to see "The Belly" jump up and down all at once like a jolly 'ol Santa Claus. I've cried about it all, just as much as we've laughed about it all. 

I honestly didn't think that being pregnant would hurt this much, but I'm sure that I will forget all about that when I finally get to hold my little man.  I know that it's only the beginning of what a Mother will do for her child.